last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
