I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
