how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
