I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
