So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
