The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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