Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
