bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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