Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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