I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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