I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
