Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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