My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
