He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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