You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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