when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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