If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
