I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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