I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize