Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
