I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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