i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
