i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
