he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
