3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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