when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
