I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
