K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
