just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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