You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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