I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
