My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
