My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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