just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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