I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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