I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
