I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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