I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
