Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
