its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
