My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
