I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
