Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
