I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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