Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
