You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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