if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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