Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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