I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
