It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
