Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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