i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
3 2 1 whiskey
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
