I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
me + whiskey = a bad person
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
