"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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