I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
