You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
