Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
