Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
