Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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