12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
