for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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